Dec. 3rd, 2015

promphobia

Dec. 3rd, 2015 05:35 pm
auberginedreams: (Default)
if you've ever spent time with me, you probably know that boys aren't exactly falling over each other for my affection. now, i'm pretty sure it's not because i'm particularly ugly or mean. i'm actually quite confident about the way i look most of the time and i'd like to think i give off some pretty good vibes. my mom says it's because i'm too intimidating. give it time, she says, and they'll get enough guts to talk to you. she says they're afraid of my intelligence and confidence. well. we all know i'm insecure as fuck about a lot of things and i highly doubt people fear my GPA, seeing as i can't talk intelligently around boys. literally, i either ramble like there's no tomorrow or can't find a single word to say. maybe it's because i'm so... well, me. a few years ago i had an honest to god six pack and that kind of scared people. i can see how boys wouldn't like that. one of my favorite things to do with my last boyfriend was arm wrestle (i never won, but you can bet i put up a damn good fight). my idea of a good date is wrestling him to the ground and then making food and cuddling. i always make the first move, even if it's not very graceful. i'm really not very girly at all - in my actions, definitely not my looks - and i guess a lot of boys aren't really into that. but every now and then, there's a cocky little shit who wants to try his hand at winning me over. they're all the same (though there really haven't been that many of them): composed and confident (even a little arrogant) on the outside, and a hot mess behind closed doors. sadly, the boys i like rarely align with the boys who like me. well, maybe one day my luck will change. i'll keep dreaming.

anyway, prom is coming up all too soon and i have no idea how i'm going to get a date. my parents are going to force me to go - once-in-a-lifetime high school tradition and all that, even though we get a senior prom too - and there's no way i'm going alone and leaning against the bleachers looking interested in whatever's on my phone all night. i've always wanted to give someone a huge, dramatic prom-posal (cause odds are, no one's ever going to ask me), so i hope i can find a suitable boy with five or six back-up plans by the spring. wish me luck.
auberginedreams: (Default)
this isn't really gonna be bittersweet like the bertolt brecht poem that the title is from, just warning you (it's mostly bitter).

a few months ago, i found myself at school one night for band rehearsal. he was conducting and i was in the first row. this was still in the ohmygodhowareyoureal stage of my crush on him (i fall hard and like passionately but fall out of like just as easily), so naturally i was still having trouble forming complete sentences around him. oh and by the way, he's my age. in case there was any confusion about that because of the conducting thing. anyway, to my nervous brain's complete horror and my heart's delight, he kept talking to me throughout rehearsal. to say i made a fool of myself is an understatement. every single chance i had to say something mildly interesting or intelligent, i fucked it up. one time, he thought i was raising my hand so he called on me, but instead of saying "i didn't have a question, sorry" i literally just stared at him, deer in the headlights style, and slowly turned tomato red under his gaze. fuck. i left that night feeling like i had absolutely obliterated any slight chance i had of making him like me. ran it over with a steamroller and then nuked it. i got out of there as fast as i possibly could and outside into the crisp night air. finally out of the bright lights, stuffy air and public humiliation, i leaned against the wall and cried. i cried because no matter where i am, i always fuck it up. how could i be so stupid, to think that 2,000 miles and a fresh start would make my imperfections go away. i thought i had found him. well, turns out i was totally wrong but at the time i thought we could have been something special. i hated that i couldn't change. i hated that all my flaws didn't just disappear because nobody knew about them here. but at the same time, i don't want to go back. chicago knows worse things about me. sadly, i'll probably never be able to ditch my flaws, no matter how far i travel. i guess i'll just have to live with it.

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