Apr. 10th, 2016

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You gave us quite a shock. You ripped us apart and brought us all together. You made everyone who knew you cry and you punched a hole in our hearts. You didn't mean to. I don't blame you for wanting to get out of your head. Everyone is blaming themselves but I think it's society's fault. I blame society for not caring about mental illness half as much as it should. It's a harsh world out there and even all your family's love and support couldn't change that. I hope I'm right and that someday your sisters, friends, aunts, uncles, and everyone who helped you will stop thinking of your story as their fault. It hurts them and it hurts me to see them blaming themselves and I don't think you would want that. We miss you, you know. A lot. I have a lot of cousins but I always thought you were one of the coolest. You were a really, really great guy and it's so unfair that you had to struggle your whole life. Speaking of missing you, you'll never guess what song they played today at your funeral type thing. It wasn't really a funeral because no one was expecting this to happen so your sisters had to throw something together as quickly as possible. It was really nice though. Anyway, I was looking out over the lake - it was raining and foggy but still one of the most beautiful places in California I've ever seen - and I heard "I Miss You" over the speakers in the tent. I have sang and played that song a hundred times, heard it even more times, and performed it on stage, and now it will forever be your song. Because when I heard that B major chord progression, I remembered that our last conversation was about how much we both like blink-182. That was only a couple months ago. You seemed to be doing so well. At your funeral there were all these pictures of you and my mom and I were remarking on how much you looked like a teenage Alex Gaskarth a few years ago. But today Alex Gaskarth got married and today your ashes sat in a box on the table. It's not fair. The priest was talking about how you would want us to find strength in God. I'm not a very religious person and I'm probably not gonna follow an organized religion cause I think they do way too much harm. But I will pray for you and the rest of my family. I'll give religion a shot if that's what helped you and if you would have wanted it. People said beautiful things about you today. I'm not gonna go on about how kind and generous and gentle you were because I hope you know I mean all that when I say I loved you when you were on Earth, I love you now, and I will love you forever. I was never really sure if there was a heaven because of science and all that, but now I know there must be a heaven because there's no place else you could be.
Love, Livie


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August 2016

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