i don't know if i should feel bad or not. i had this really weird conversation with this guy last night and i was totally manipulating him just for the fun of it. in my defense, he was willingly incriminating himself AND it was the first time he had talked to me in six months (he cut me off without explanation). however, it still felt kinda messed up. i'd tell him this stuff and say "i don't usually tell this to people, it's kind of a secret" and tell him something all my friends know, then in return he'd tell me something really weird and i'd screenshot it and text it to all my friends. he's an asshole, he knows it and i know it too. but that didn't stop him from texting me some things that people really shouldn't text to a minor. stuff like inviting me to come over when his parents aren't home, get drunk, and sleep over (i assumed what he really meant was have sex, judging by some of the things he said before that). obviously i don't want to. but how far will i go just to fuck with him? see what other stupid shit he can do or say that i can tell all my friends? i don't really want to find out how much of a manipulative bitch i can be without my conscience stopping me. at the same time, i'm bored. and i don't know what i'm doing. it's obvious he doesn't either. i think i might just be doing this whole thing just to feel something.
May. 26th, 2016
i feel like i've grown up too fast, or maybe that's just me. when i was a few days shy of 12 i saved my brother's life. not in a he-was-drowning-and-i-pulled-him-out-of-
the-water way, in a he-told-me-he-was-going-to-kill-himself way. i didn't really understand the severity of the situation at the time, but i knew enough to tell my parents and get him help. that memory haunted me throughout the rest of middle school and long into high school, and it was hard for me to go to sleep at night because i knew i wouldn't be able to protect him or keep an eye on him. i'm still troubled by how close we came to the what if. in my freshman year of high school i had my first real boyfriend and my first experience with depression. i started self-harming around the end of freshman year and it's still something i have to fight against almost every day. when i was 15 i had a crush on a 24 year old and i'm pretty sure he liked me too. now i'm 16 and i've been drunk, smoked weed, all that stuff that everyone does. i still take care of my brother. he smokes too much weed and sells his adderall and he does some shady things but i help him out of them. i've talked many of my friends off the ledge and i recently lost my cousin to suicide. i've moved across the country and gotten in my fair share of dangerous situations (usually involving getting trampled at shows). as you saw in my last post, i'm getting some questionable text messages from an adult. i've always wanted to experience everything, to feel everything, to live. but i'm a kid. i'm literally a 16-year-old kid and it feels like too much too fast. it's always a competition of who's done more, who's gone further. but no one ever stops to think that oh my god, we're all children. we're people's daughters and sons and we don't even know who we are. i suppose that's why we do it - to find out. but does no one else feel like they're missing out on part of a pure childhood? maybe it's just me. i just feel so young.