sometimes i feel like a really awful person. i drag the people i love into my insecurities. i want so badly to feel like a good person that i'm happy when i'm nicer to a friend than they are to me. i don't mind when people forget my birthday, especially when i remember theirs, because it means i've one-upped them. how twisted is that? and i want to feel strong and powerful, so i love when people spill their secrets to me but i'm not vulnerable to them in return. again, it feels like i've one-upped them, in knowledge and in control. and speaking of control, oh god do i want control. usually, i'd rather people like me for my looks or body than for my personality or intelligence. this is because if people lust after me, i can control and manipulate them. it's amazing what showing off my torso or tossing my blond curls can do to an attitude. reciting the presidents in alphabetical order doesn't get you free drinks. that's part of why i work so hard to stay fit and look good. i do it for myself, because i'm my own worst critic, i do it for power purposes, and i do it because i fucking love attention. i never swat a camera out of my face and i never back down from an opportunity to take the stage. i'm always grabbing for the nearest microphone or seducing the nearest boy, not because i like him but because i need his attention. the people i do like aren't people at all, but ideas. i've never liked a boy as much as i've liked the idea of one. if i'm unlucky enough to have a crush at any given time, i go home at night and fantasize about me and him. my head creates such an amazing guy that when i see him the next day i'm always disappointed. and then i'll be so confused. do i like him, do i like the idea of him, do i just want his attention, do i like that i know his secrets, do i like that i'm nicer to him than he is to me, do i like that i can control him, oh my god have i ever really liked someone for just who they are? sometimes i feel like a really awful person.