growing up

May. 26th, 2016 10:09 am
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[personal profile] auberginedreams
i feel like i've grown up too fast, or maybe that's just me. when i was a few days shy of 12 i saved my brother's life. not in a he-was-drowning-and-i-pulled-him-out-of-the-water way, in a he-told-me-he-was-going-to-kill-himself way. i didn't really understand the severity of the situation at the time, but i knew enough to tell my parents and get him help. that memory haunted me throughout the rest of middle school and long into high school, and it was hard for me to go to sleep at night because i knew i wouldn't be able to protect him or keep an eye on him. i'm still troubled by how close we came to the what if. in my freshman year of high school i had my first real boyfriend and my first experience with depression. i started self-harming around the end of freshman year and it's still something i have to fight against almost every day. when i was 15 i had a crush on a 24 year old and i'm pretty sure he liked me too. now i'm 16 and i've been drunk, smoked weed, all that stuff that everyone does. i still take care of my brother. he smokes too much weed and sells his adderall and he does some shady things but i help him out of them. i've talked many of my friends off the ledge and i recently lost my cousin to suicide. i've moved across the country and gotten in my fair share of dangerous situations (usually involving getting trampled at shows). as you saw in my last post, i'm getting some questionable text messages from an adult. i've always wanted to experience everything, to feel everything, to live. but i'm a kid. i'm literally a 16-year-old kid and it feels like too much too fast. it's always a competition of who's done more, who's gone further. but no one ever stops to think that oh my god, we're all children. we're people's daughters and sons and we don't even know who we are. i suppose that's why we do it - to find out. but does no one else feel like they're missing out on part of a pure childhood? maybe it's just me. i just feel so young.


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