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[personal profile] auberginedreams
how can people know me when even i have no clue who i am? i've made some observations and assumptions about myself recently and i'm not sure if they're true but they're all i've got right now. first, i'm not a romantic. it's all about sex and attention for me. when it comes to boys i get bored of them easily, especially if they like me back. unrequited like is better because i can create amazing, perfect versions of them in my head and i never have to deal with the disappointment of finding out how mediocre they are. it's no fun unless there's a chase. also, i don't click with people who are too nice, to innocent, or too goody two shoes. i need people who are honest, unfiltered, uncensored, daring, and who will never make me seem like the weird one. i need people who will push me around a little bit to keep me on my toes and prove that they're being real with me. i need people who let their teenage brains get the best of them and become twice as excited when they find out the plans for the day involve illicit activities. next there's the whole issue of what my last name means. it means i'm bound to struggle with mental illness; i have, i do, and i probably will for a long time. it means i use drugs and alcohol to relieve stress. it's too soon to make this statement definitively, but it seems like now i take a shot when a year ago i would have self harmed. my last name means that my life is never going to be all white picket fences because i will never stop losing people, worrying about the people who are still here, and struggling with my own internal issues. lastly, i think it might be a problem how much i worry about my appearance. not necessarily my face, cause i can't really change that, but my body. i've always been one of those people who didn't understand why girls would say, "don't call me hot, call me intelligent." i thought, "jesus, take it where you can get it! your teachers and parents can call you intelligent. i'd be very happy to be complimented on the way i look." and i am. i very much appreciate it when people call me hot, although it's a little demeaning to find out i'm known to a group of guys at my school as "the girl with the great hips." it feels like these days when guys like me it's for my body, which part of me is okay with because it's something i put a lot of work into. on the other hand, it'd be really cool if they liked me for who i am too. but we've already established that even i don't know who the fuck that is.
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August 2016

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