god, i just wish we had more time. the sad thing is, we had time. i spent a whole year agonizing over you, making angry blog posts, and lusting from afar. during that time you grew up without me; you're an adult now, a computer science major at a fancy school across the country, a software engineer at a startup in san francisco. and me? well, i'm nowhere near that point yet. our date last night was really wonderful, you were so sweet. i need to see you again so i can kiss you properly. but as of right now you're officially ignoring me because it's been three hours since i texted you and you said you get home before 9 (it's 10). and if you keep this up, we might literally never see each other again ever. which would suck because i wasted an entire year being so incredibly nervous around you that i had to pretend i hated you in order to not make a fool of myself whenever you walked in the room. and so far i've only spent about three hours righting that. i feel like i'm getting a taste of my own medicine because for the last few months i've been messing around with a guy who likes me way more than i like him, and now i'm chasing after you while you couldn't give less of a shit about me. every dance, every show, every event this past year where i've gotten dressed up i prayed and wished and dreamed that you'd be there with me. because as hard as i try to deny it, i really do like you. so much. when you played that beautiful song on the piano in the band room, i knew you were the boy. the boy i'd never forget, the boy i'd chase after and brood about and dream about and cry about. the boy i could love if i tried. and oh my god, that was like the second day of school. i'm still so young, but i was younger a year ago. i can (mostly) keep my composure around boys, i've gotten a hell of a lot better at kissing (i was never bad, but now the reviews are extremely positive), and i know what i want. and with you, i want three weeks of happiness. let's take this roller coaster as high as it can go because i don't care how big the drop is. i just want memories of you that leave a good taste in my mouth, because right now most of them involve me being incredibly embarrassed, humiliated, or literally crying because i couldn't keep my shit together around you. you always seem to have it all figured out and i am so, so jealous because i know i have my life about as together as you do but it doesn't show at all. i just want to look cool around you. i compensate with crop tops and short shorts so you'll pay attention to my body because i'm insecure about my personality. but i worry i'm just making you feel bad. you don't have to talk about how you're going on a diet or working out all the time because you are fucking perfect the way you are and i absolutely love that you're chubby. jesus christ i miss you and your eyes (they're the most stunning shade of blue, by the way. i'll tell you that in person if you'll ever let me). you're only a few miles away so i can't imagine how hard it'll be in a month. but. every bit of heartache would be worth it if you'd spend these last couple weeks with me. maybe, just maybe it would lessen my regret of the last year.